The Pilgrimage of Intense Randomosity

The face of cliff extended right into the clouds appearing to be past vertical and getting closer to being perpendicular and depressingly smooth.

mountain3

However this way lay the answers hopefully to the strange and random series of events that were currently consuming the world and maybe even the intangible and eternal meaning of life. Our intrepid troop of pilgrims had already endured many weeks of hazardous travelling to reach this point variously attacked by Tolkien-esque Orcs, Star Trek klingons and Gargemel from the smurfs. It hasn’t been all bad though they had taken the opportunity to line Barnie the dinosaur Dora the Explorer and a half dozen care bears up against a wall and executed them.

This was a pattern that was being repeated all across the world. Small splinters of fantasy had manifested themselves into reality with almost universally destructive results initial reports were dismissed as the product of over imaginative or over inebriated minds. however when an AT-AT from star wars had materialised on The Mall and proceeded to level Buckingham Palace the time for debate was over and solutions were sought.

star-wars-at-at-manhattan-street-poster-GBfp2707

Initially the response was handled militarily but after a series of humiliating defeats it became obvious that attempting to defeat futuristic armies from fiction was an abject lesson in futility. However the combined intelligence services of the world came together and managed to aquire some high level targets Yoda, Aslan the Lion, Jesus and Gandalf the Grey were all captured and moved to Guantanamo Bay for enhanced interrogation. After several weeks of little sleep and many hours of Water boarding a pattern was detected in the seemingly random utterances

“the house the House where the Waac is the Faac”

“Look to the Paincakes”

“Seek the one who is always to blame”

Although seemingly incoherent babbling a quick Google search revealed only one possible meaning behind these cryptic clues. The UN sent a delegation to the House of Paincakes and although a great number of them fell to various booby traps and other associated dangers enough made to the tower to pass the message along. Lo quickly gathered a meeting of some of the more cerebral members Von was made to leave the stabbin interns, Porky was summoned from the shed and Cedric and Thuloid had there manacles temporarily removed under threat of severe purse beatings if they attempted to run off.

The denizens of the House where caught slightly by surprise by the news that every part of fiction was now exploding into the real world as strange unexplainable happenings were just part of the daily grind at HOP towers. Many ideas were postulated and rejected as preposterous as this summit of the great Internet minds crawled into its third night when all of a sudden a voice from the corner chimed in

“strange random events when was the last time anyone saw DC”

There was a collective “arggghh” as the truth became apparent but what to do? As part of the poderings over the last few day’s a large map of the world was pinned to one wall strangely as it had only been chucked up in the last 72 hours and no one had seen any one go near it, it was now neatly framed by yellow and black hazard warning stripes. The assembly looked at the notes of strange happenings and one jumped off the Page as not like the others. In the normally very flat area of East Anglia on the Eastern side of the United Kingdom a huge mountain range had suddenly sprung into existence. It was decided to send an expedition to investigate but who to send who would be foolish enough to undertake such a perilous journey well Sin Synn was released from his pen Bushcraft was lured into the tower with several blocks of C4 warlock was summoned down from his tower and Oak still being keen as mustard volunteered. Sin was heard to mutter

“I told you all not to encourage him”

Our epic quadruplet set out with Lo promising that help would be provided along the way. After getting temporarily lost after sin insisted that East Anglia was near to Rhodes Island Bushcraft and Oak managed to wrestle the map off him only to discover it was actually several pictures of Megan Fox stuck together with Cellotape and folded to look like a map. Quickly stopping off at a gas station to procure a real map they set off with more purpose. Athis sense of purpose didn’t however last very long Warlock suddenly announced he was pretty sure he’d left the Iron on and dids they mind if they stopped by his place to make sure with atypical American grasp of geography and over Oaks protestations the band landed in the great land of OZ and warlocks quickly established he hadn’t left the offending iron on however this little detour wasn’t with out its benefits. Standing at a junction as if he’d always been expecting them stood James aka The Beat Ronin.

“allright lads off to see DC are we ok there some stuff you should know DC isn’t your regular random lunatic he is infact a focal point of singularity his seemingly tangential naturevwas infact a a desperate attempt to stop him from concentrating on any single issue so hard it would implodes under the weight of its own logic. Something distracted him enough to concentrate on so many things at once he has created all possibilities in the same instant and the fundamental paradox of this is causing all the universe’s to collide and will soon collapse into one giant black hole of impossibility people. Temporarily he contains all knowledge simultaneously so ifcan get to him he should know how to fix it but you’ll need to be quick so the question remains what the fuck are you doing on the wrong side ofnthe planet”

To be continued or possibly concluded that who the fuck knows anymore

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