Dangerously Sacrilegious Post

This is a response to Thuloids post over on House of Paincakes

http://www.houseofpaincakes.com/2015/02/thuloid-speaks-secret-history-of.html#idc-container

Please note this an entirely made up attempt at humour if you take your religion seriously and are prone to taking offense please don’t read this you’ll just get pissed off

The story of Jesus is well known to many through the teachings of the New Testament what isn’t so well known is that there was a 13th disciple Bob. Bob was a table top war gamer and isn’t well recalled in the new testament due to a number of factors Papal conspiracy, historical revisionism but mostly that he was a lazy git and didn’t really like going outside much. while the other apostles where out fishing or accompanying JC round the seas of Gallilee healing the sick and such like Bob would usually be found finishing up the highlighting on a 28mm scale model or throwing dice carved from the jaw of an ass.

During some private discussions with the big man himself he had certain secrets revealed to him. These secrets would in later centuries be considered so dangerously heretical that all mentions of Bob would be stricken from the bible for fear that entire generations woud follow his teachings and spend a ridiculous quantity of there disposable income on little war dollies.

Perhaps the most dangerous of these secrets was that the Hebrew sacred text which would later become the Old testament was in fact a a giant source book for Gods great table top games. I mean really who would take that as a literal interpretation of God’s plan for all of creation what compassionate god would possibly advocated taking your child to the city gate and stoning them for being disobedient or condemn a farmer to death for planting different crops side by side. It was never meant to be taken that seriously just give flavour to a fictional setting suitable for gaming.

Sodom and Gomorrah a couple of battle reports on some spectacularly one sided tablings,

The Philistines and caanites protracted Campaigns.

Jericho a scenario with a particularly vicious GM twist in turn 2.

However god becoming increasingly frustrated with his own ability to create decent flavoursome factions and still get a balanced game decided to create an entire world with scaled down moving models. However being a busy deity he could only devote 6 days to the process and ended up with a ridiculously unbalanced system.

For the next several thousand years he attempted to rebalance the game but whatever changes he made were met with increasing hostility by an embittered and self entitled population who threaten to rage quit and go play warmachine instead. Finally having had enough of this churlish behaviour he gave up on the process entirely until his son showed an interest.

Reluctant to re engage with the populous he said

” fair enough but your on your own and don’t come crying to me when they Crucify you for it”

and washed his hands of the entire business.

The Schism

When Saul converted on the Road to Damascus and became the Apostle Paul Bob was aghast as Saul has cruelly mocked Bobs favourite hobby multiple times in the past. Unconvinced by Paul new found faith he often argued long into the night with Paul and Peter and became increasingly frustrated by the stock that Paul placed in the Crucifixion

“don’t you get it, that wasn’t a measure of the experience just how it ended and a nasty end it was too I told him to tone down his list and let Pontius Pilot win a few but no and look what happened to him”

He would often be heard to wail But Bob wasn’t the most popular or articulate of souls in fact he could be characterised as introverted and slightly socially awkward. So Paul reinterpretation of key events began to gain popularity and the truths that had been revealed to Bob were pushed aside in favour of nice stories with a message the one that galled Bob the most was the tale of Jesus and money lenders in the Temple yes a table had got upended but it a lot more to do with a cheesy spam list and some baby seal clubbing than it did money lending.

When Paul announced he was off to Greece to do a bit of writing and Peter was heading to Rome to-do some converting (another term that has been misinterpreted) Bob was secretly jubilant but made the appropriate noises the other apostles thinking he just couldn’t be bothered to do that much walking (a claim with more than a small measure of truth) gave up trying to convince him.

After playing a few games with James and Simon Bob put his mind to creating a new gaming club made up of like minded players who respected the fluff and there opponents and communicated effectively pre game as to what there expectations were and Waac and Fluff bunny alike could coexist (original origin of turning the other cheek by the way).

Bob however ran into a number of problems the chief amongst them was people ended up being a bit disappointed when the answer to life the universe and everything turned out to be moving little men about on a board and rolling Dice. Everyone always assumed it was going to be, well, a bit more profound and would then go sticking there own spin on it diluting the message and ending up with a load of silly nonsense about heaven and hell and angels and demons (which as we all know are really just factions for a fantasy setting).

Increasingly frustrated by his inability to effectively convey the truth to the people Bob became sullen and withdrawn when asked about the meaning of Life he would mumble

“Leave me alone its a secret and I’m not telling you”

Surprisingly this had completely the opposite effect to Bob’s intention and within a few years huge crowds would gather hoping to get Bob to reveal his almighty secret.

As with all human endeavour in the absence of solid facts every small emanation from Bob was picked over and theories developed these crowds would argue over different interpretation and small groups split off each convinced that they had descyphered Bobs secret.

Some believing that Bobs reluctance to share his secret was part of the process of gaining devine knowledge formed the early Gnostic sects these then split again as each section devoid of the actual secret made up their own.

Some seeing Bob’s propensity to dive into a a cave to try and avoid the crowds came to the conclusion that the secret would only be revealed to those who shunned all contact and early Hermitism began.

A myriad of other theories were presented and many small sects spread across the middle east none having it quite right but all inspired by Bob.

Bob himself as with many of the Apostles met quite a sticky end. Running into a small Roman patrol one day grateful that these soldiers weren’t pestering him and with a typical wargamers interest in military equipment he engaged them in conversation initially they got on well and after a few jokes a jug of wine was produced. Now unfortunately Bobs tolerance to alcohol was almost non existent and in a state of inebriation he began expanding on his beliefs and then pointed out how the Roman Short sword would soon be obsolete and wasn’t as effective as say a Pike the Romans rather offended by the idea that there empires military dominance was infact the result of a poorly balanced rule set showed Bob just how effective a short sword could be.

What could have been if the Romans had listened to Bob

So next time your pick up a brush or roll dice remember Bob who died for your game and and that to game is Devine