Dangerously Sacrilegious Post

This is a response to Thuloids post over on House of Paincakes

http://www.houseofpaincakes.com/2015/02/thuloid-speaks-secret-history-of.html#idc-container

Please note this an entirely made up attempt at humour if you take your religion seriously and are prone to taking offense please don’t read this you’ll just get pissed off

The story of Jesus is well known to many through the teachings of the New Testament what isn’t so well known is that there was a 13th disciple Bob. Bob was a table top war gamer and isn’t well recalled in the new testament due to a number of factors Papal conspiracy, historical revisionism but mostly that he was a lazy git and didn’t really like going outside much. while the other apostles where out fishing or accompanying JC round the seas of Gallilee healing the sick and such like Bob would usually be found finishing up the highlighting on a 28mm scale model or throwing dice carved from the jaw of an ass.

During some private discussions with the big man himself he had certain secrets revealed to him. These secrets would in later centuries be considered so dangerously heretical that all mentions of Bob would be stricken from the bible for fear that entire generations woud follow his teachings and spend a ridiculous quantity of there disposable income on little war dollies.

Perhaps the most dangerous of these secrets was that the Hebrew sacred text which would later become the Old testament was in fact a a giant source book for Gods great table top games. I mean really who would take that as a literal interpretation of God’s plan for all of creation what compassionate god would possibly advocated taking your child to the city gate and stoning them for being disobedient or condemn a farmer to death for planting different crops side by side. It was never meant to be taken that seriously just give flavour to a fictional setting suitable for gaming.

Sodom and Gomorrah a couple of battle reports on some spectacularly one sided tablings,

The Philistines and caanites protracted Campaigns.

Jericho a scenario with a particularly vicious GM twist in turn 2.

However god becoming increasingly frustrated with his own ability to create decent flavoursome factions and still get a balanced game decided to create an entire world with scaled down moving models. However being a busy deity he could only devote 6 days to the process and ended up with a ridiculously unbalanced system.

housing_stocks_priced_in_bad_news_Not_worst_case_scenario

For the next several thousand years he attempted to rebalance the game but whatever changes he made were met with increasing hostility by an embittered and self entitled population who threaten to rage quit and go play warmachine instead. Finally having had enough of this churlish behaviour he gave up on the process entirely until his son showed an interest.

Reluctant to re engage with the populous he said

” fair enough but your on your own and don’t come crying to me when they Crucify you for it”

and washed his hands of the entire business.

The Schism

When Saul converted on the Road to Damascus and became the Apostle Paul Bob was aghast as Saul has cruelly mocked Bobs favourite hobby multiple times in the past. Unconvinced by Paul new found faith he often argued long into the night with Paul and Peter and became increasingly frustrated by the stock that Paul placed in the Crucifixion

“don’t you get it, that wasn’t a measure of the experience just how it ended and a nasty end it was too I told him to tone down his list and let Pontius Pilot win a few but no and look what happened to him”

He would often be heard to wail But Bob wasn’t the most popular or articulate of souls in fact he could be characterised as introverted and slightly socially awkward. So Paul reinterpretation of key events began to gain popularity and the truths that had been revealed to Bob were pushed aside in favour of nice stories with a message the one that galled Bob the most was the tale of Jesus and money lenders in the Temple yes a table had got upended but it a lot more to do with a cheesy spam list and some baby seal clubbing than it did money lending.

When Paul announced he was off to Greece to do a bit of writing and Peter was heading to Rome to-do some converting (another term that has been misinterpreted) Bob was secretly jubilant but made the appropriate noises the other apostles thinking he just couldn’t be bothered to do that much walking (a claim with more than a small measure of truth) gave up trying to convince him.

After playing a few games with James and Simon Bob put his mind to creating a new gaming club made up of like minded players who respected the fluff and there opponents and communicated effectively pre game as to what there expectations were and Waac and Fluff bunny alike could coexist (original origin of turning the other cheek by the way).

Bob however ran into a number of problems the chief amongst them was people ended up being a bit disappointed when the answer to life the universe and everything turned out to be moving little men about on a board and rolling Dice. Everyone always assumed it was going to be, well, a bit more profound and would then go sticking there own spin on it diluting the message and ending up with a load of silly nonsense about heaven and hell and angels and demons (which as we all know are really just factions for a fantasy setting).

Increasingly frustrated by his inability to effectively convey the truth to the people Bob became sullen and withdrawn when asked about the meaning of Life he would mumble

“Leave me alone its a secret and I’m not telling you”

resized_procrastination-panda-meme-generator-you-want-what-please-just-leave-me-alone-5576d1

Surprisingly this had completely the opposite effect to Bob’s intention and within a few years huge crowds would gather hoping to get Bob to reveal his almighty secret.

627478-monty-python-life-of-brian

As with all human endeavour in the absence of solid facts every small emanation from Bob was picked over and theories developed these crowds would argue over different interpretation and small groups split off each convinced that they had descyphered Bobs secret.

Some believing that Bobs reluctance to share his secret was part of the process of gaining devine knowledge formed the early Gnostic sects these then split again as each section devoid of the actual secret made up their own.

Some seeing Bob’s propensity to dive into a a cave to try and avoid the crowds came to the conclusion that the secret would only be revealed to those who shunned all contact and early Hermitism began.

A myriad of other theories were presented and many small sects spread across the middle east none having it quite right but all inspired by Bob.

awesome_answer_1_xlarge

Bob himself as with many of the Apostles met quite a sticky end. Running into a small Roman patrol one day grateful that these soldiers weren’t pestering him and with a typical wargamers interest in military equipment he engaged them in conversation initially they got on well and after a few jokes a jug of wine was produced. Now unfortunately Bobs tolerance to alcohol was almost non existent and in a state of inebriation he began expanding on his beliefs and then pointed out how the Roman Short sword would soon be obsolete and wasn’t as effective as say a Pike the Romans rather offended by the idea that there empires military dominance was infact the result of a poorly balanced rule set showed Bob just how effective a short sword could be.

What could have been if the Romans had listened to Bob

What could have been if the Romans had listened to Bob

So next time your pick up a brush or roll dice remember Bob who died for your game and and that to game is Devine

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26 thoughts on “Dangerously Sacrilegious Post

  1. Another little known fact is that when Cain slew Abel, it was over Abel being a smug git spamming wave serpents. What started out as a simple table rage flip turned ugly when Cain got called out for having inferior tactical nous. God wasn’t having any of that guff and told Cain go hence with matt ward and wander the earth looking for the perfect game system for eternity. A poorly translated codex meant that instead of infinty, eternity was the word given and thus poor Cain was doomed.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mind blown! I don’t think even God could explain some of the stuff his mob are up to. HOWEVER, if you look at it as a neck beard power gamer would, it all makes sense. Fluff vs crunch, the world would be a better place if it just listened to us!

    Liked by 1 person

    • The bloody bugger (Yahweh, who names their god, god?) has three armies! As it appears, he’s play tested them in the past utilising the Siege rules in the much used setting: The city of Jerusalem.

      Minor issue though: The usage of a burning bush that talks is kinda lame as it borders on ‘animals can talk and are actively helpful’ :/

      I hear you can field four ‘heroes’ on horseback as your army if you play the Revelations rules. 😛

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jerusalem certainly does get reused a lot but I suppose that happens when it gets put into the starter box.

        Every game needs a small model count elite faction and the four horseman

        Muuusstt…..avoooid…maaaking……..ooooobvious burning bush jokes few think I managed to resist 🙂

        Like

  3. When Jesus was tempted in the wilderness — it was for the greater good, yes? TAU!?

    I think it was Ezekiel who had visions pertaining to prophesying over dry bones? VAMPIRE COUNTS? Re-animation protocols??!

    David and Goliath — a single guardsman single-handedly brought down a warboss?

    Noah’s flood is the QQ’ing of everybody screaming for balance following the age of the serpent…?

    DC — I’m actually shocked at your level of bible-literacy. I need to do more reading, apparently. It’s always been a struggle for me to get through Leviticus…

    Liked by 1 person

    • LOL yep so much stuff in there has been misappropriated and poorly translated that the real message has sbecome obscured in time

      Yeah I can read and have read the bible don’t thinking could do it again particularly not the old testament lots of that is just plain nasty.
      Theology is a bit of a pop hobby for me I find belief and the history of religions really fascinating

      Like

    • I’m really glad that’s the case I was a bit worried about offending some people. I even emailed Thuloid to get him to have a look over it to make sure I hadn’t stepped over the line.
      I’m not religious as such more agnostic I really don’t know, in the beginning there had to be something and you can always ask but what came before that and I’m equally skeptical that science hold all the answers and think atheism has become just as much a religion as any other with all the same hang ups and refusal to accept other out looks.
      I suppose I could be accused of intellectual cowardice kinda refusing to take a position but I’ve yet to find one that really speaks to me.
      So I just try to live my life based on the ideal that the sum experience of my life are defined by what I leave behind the more I can positively effect the world and the people in it the longer I live on after I’m gone.
      Hopefully if I’ve got it massively wrong and I stand before my maker in judgement this should see me in better stead than a perfect Sunday Attendance record if not fuck him I’ll spit in his eye;)

      Like

      • Life’s too short to get offended, and what you’re describing isn’t really cowardice… There’s just too many question marks, like you’ve said.

        I’m a geologist and have a very developed concept of Earth History, and thus certain details in early Genesis are… Philosophically fuzzy for me. It gets into the whole discussion of whether or not early genesis is allegorical, and if you were in the southern states I’m sure you’ll find they run with a profoundly (and sometimes damagingly) literal interpretation, and close their minds off to anything else. It’s tragic, really, because nobody should be attacking anyone here. (We’re adults right? We can talk about this, right?)

        Something I kind of dislike about (many) Christians is how judgy we come across, when frankly there’s NO commandment to judge thy neighbour. In fact, we’re called to love **everyone** as Christ has loved us (John 13:34). This is one of the most important things in the Bible for me.

        Jesus doesn’t care WHO you are (prostitute, horrifically diseased, demon possessed, simply drunk all the time, or a Pharisee), he loves you all the same, and calls everyone to do similarly.

        I’m pretty sure he can take a joke or two, as well 🙂

        Anyways, not really my objective to get preachy or anything here. Just know I’ve got nothing but love for everyone.

        Like

    • Yeah. I have honestly nothing but respect for the concepts that Jesus promoted love thy neighbour, turn the other cheek, judge not lest ye be judged, charity and helping your fellow man. I often think that’s not a recipe for a heavenly afterlife but for heaven right here on earth. Maybe a slight misinterpretation 😉

      I think even the most devout needs to look at the old testament alogorically other wise were all decended from two people then after a few generations they were all wiped out except one family and we’re all decended from them it just doesn’t mesh with our current understanding of genetics or geology and what happened to the dinosaurs? The other thing to consider if it was the actual word of God would any of us be intelligent enough to understand it probably not it would be like trying to teach advanced calculus to an amoeba.

      As I said before I don’t think much of the old testament its full of horrific acts by a so called compassionate god and the dichotomy between the old testament and the new is so great. I honestly think the early Christians only adopted it to get a legitimacy from the established Jewish faith conveniently dropping things like not eating pork and circumcision cause its a lot easier to pick up new followers if they can still have a bacon sarnie and don’t have to mutilate there genitals.

      So your a geologist hey I’m never going to see your avatar again without thinking of Randy from southpark is that your profession or just what you got your degree in ?

      Thanks for the open discussion this was just the sort of thing I hoped I would get with this post

      Like

      • Amen!

        I’ve had a thought of my own — there’s nothing saying that God couldn’t create the world “old”. IE – processes intact, etc. it kind of dove-tails into the allegorical again though, so it’s just tomato tomahto.

        If pressed, I could get into the OT vs. the NT, but frankly it’s a huge topic and not one that’s entirely easy to think about for a Wednesday afternoon (as I sit here in the office). I hope you don’t mind that we table this topic for today?

        I’m a Geological Engineer, but as part of getting my degree I had to take quite a few Geology courses. One foot in Geo, one foot in engineering. Just so happens I’m working in Engineering now. 🙂

        Being a geologist is often tough, because field work takes you away from your family for so long… I did things like this when I was younger, and realized very quickly it’s not a good job to keep up lasting relationships, even though I loved the work. Now I’m working a job I love less than the geo field work but I’m not at risk for a mental breakdown caused by being stranded in the hinterlands for decades at a time….

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    • 🙂

      Yeah I suppose that’s the upside of being god you can do pretty much whatever you want

      No worries we can table that discussion for another time I wouldn’t want distract you while your at working and cause some sort of geological engineering disaster that sounds like it would be really bad 🙂

      A friend of mine (when I was at school) dad did something geological spent a hell of a lot of time in Africa drilling holes and wasn’t about much as I recall although he did have a huge collection of knick knacks and odds and sods from Africa which I thought was cool when I was young which prompted me to .ask where he got them and that’s how I knew he drilled holes.

      Like

      • I have a former classmate in Ethiopia right now developing a gold mine there, another 2 in Aussieland, 3 on the west coast of Canada, 4 unaccounted for (presumed eaten by wildlife). It’s quite lucrative, if you can maintain the lifestyle. Wasn’t for me 🙂

        Like

      • Yeah my mates whole family where into boats and yachts and the like and that’s not a poor man’s game so I imagine he did quite well the more I think about it I think it was something to do with oil.

        You do seem to find the most valuable stuff under the ground where it’s the most inhospitable above ground. My missus love her reality shows and one of her favourites at the moment is Gold Rush which is about gold mining strip mostly set in the Yukon which looks phenomenally beautiful and incredibly harsh I’d love to see that end of the world as I love trees and hills but I hate the snow so probably won’t 🙂

        Like

    • On a roll of 2D6:
      1: Suffer 3D8 damage due to crucifixion
      2-6: Gains waterwalker ability
      7-9: Heal 5D10 damage amongst your allies due to miracle of fish and bread
      10: Reroll successful hits in the next round of combat, as you have converted the water reserves to wine
      11: Suffer D6+3 damage to restore 2D4+4 health of your allies, as your flesh is bread and your blood, wine.
      12: Ascend mortal plane: In three turns time you may remove all damage from your character if you were killed in the previous round

      😛

      Liked by 1 person

  4. (I cannot believe I am about to do this) So, Joe Smith, feeling like he had a better way to play, wrote up a whole new rules set, with a couple of expansions? It would explain certain…life style choices. More kids means more players, right?

    Liked by 1 person

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